Former Barcelona and Spain striker Castro dies aged 68

Enrique Castro, a former Barcelona player and five-time top scorer in the Spanish league, died on Tuesday aged 68. Castro, nicknamed ‘Quini’, scored 54 league goals in 100 games for Barca and won two Copas del Rey (1981, 1983), as well as the UEFA Cup Winners’ Cup (1982).

He died in Gijon after suffering a heart attack. A statement from Barcelona read: “Enrique Castro ‘Quini’ dies (1949-2018), player and legend of our Club. The Camp Nou will never forget your legacy, RIP.” Castro also spent two spells at Sporting Gijon, the first of which spanned 12 years. “Quini has left us, Rest In Peace our myth,” a statement from Sporting read. An international with Spain, Castro played at the World Cup in 1978 and 1982, as well as the European Championship in 1980. He scored eight goals in 35 appearances for the national side.

He’s vanished with my car and cash!

Dear Bunmi,

My boyfriend was evicted from his rented accommodation a few months back and I took him in. His things were still with the bailiffs, but he promised to offset the debts he said he owed, so that he could get his life back.

I recently bought a new car and he offered to help me sell the old one. He offered to take it to a dealer who was also a friend, but has disappeared with the car and a substantial amount of money from my wardrobe.

Some of his friends told me a girl has been urging him to move in with her and she lives in another town. He’s since changed his phone number and there is no way I could get an explanation off him. Anita, by e-mail. Dear Anita, What’s there to explain when it’s obvious what he’s done? You need to get some emotional support to get you through the shock and grief you feel. You also need to report your car stolen. This wouldn’t do you much good as you voluntarily handed it over to him, but it could help you recover the car. As for the money, that too is gone with the bad choice of a boyfriend you made. You have no way of knowing things would turn out this way. Count your losses and move on. Only remember that not all men are heartless opportunists.

That affair that helped your career can also ruin your life

By Bunmi Sofola 

Mention the word ‘bottom power’ and what comes to mind is the picture of a ruthless ambitious woman, ready to sleep her way to the top. And it doesn’t matter who with. Amanda, now in her 40s, was not born poor, so had no excuse all those years for falling for Sam, a man well above her reach. When the odd couple went out on their rare outings together, no one would have guessed what type of relationship they had “To the outside world as we walked hand-in- hand into a restaurant, we’d have looked the absolute picture of a couple in love”, Mandy said.

“Yet the tawdry truth was somewhat different. This man was not my boyfriend. He was very much married and sadly, much as I would have wanted it more than anything in the world, I wasn’t his wife. More than that, this man was my boss. Someone with contact and experience in the world of communications in which I was desperate to gain a foothold and climb. Memories of that relationship in my early 20s flooded back when a woman recently alleged that her own ‘part-time’ affair with a married man had allowed her to launch a successful career as the affair had allowed her to feel loved – but also gave her time to concentrate on her business without the demands of being a housewife. According to her, her lover, whom she married years later, would disappear home each evening which gave her time to pour all of her efforts into her work as she did not have to worry about cooking a meal each night or look after children. Well, my own six-year affair paid similar dividends for me.


“But as my colleagues concentrated on finding husbands and starting families, I was free to network or catch up on projects while my lover was with his wife. My career went from strength to strength. Within six years, I went from a junior executive to assistant manager in the telecommunications company I worked with. And yes, for a while, I was like the cat who got the cream. Here I was, an attractive ambitious young lady with a secret head start on my colleagues. This handsome, powerful man had chosen me over all of them. What’s more, the fact that he could only see me when family commitments allowed, meant I could focus any extra energies on work. Sadly, I was too young to understand one universal truth – success or money can never make a woman as happy as love.

“And while the woman in the interview said she went on to marry her lover, my own experience is far more common – my lover did not make an honest woman of me. Instead, he stole the best years of my life and, quite possibly, my chance to have children of my own. Yes, he enabled me to enjoy some significant career success. But at what price? Looking back at that time 20-odd years on, I feel ashamed that I ever begged a man to leave his wife. Of course it was to no avail, and, according to him, he never believed in having a second ‘wife’. This meant that, while my university friends were marrying and settling down with available and loving men, I was left with the scraps of an unsatisfying ‘relationship’ – if our irregular liaisons deserve that name. “I met the man I eventually married at 36, and while I love him, it is bitter sweet to consider that had I met and fallen in love with someone who was available during those years I was playing second fiddle, perhaps I might have married earlier and become a mother too. Now aged 45 with several rounds of failed IVF treatment here and abroad behind me, I accept I will never have a child of my own. But I often curse my ambitious younger self for the situation in which I now find myself. “And for any woman considering having an affair to get on in the workplace, I would tell her some home truths. When you’re having an affair with a married man, there are countless moments where you feel utterly worthless and ask yourself: ‘What the heck am I doing?’ The sleazy afternoon sex in hotel rooms, the lies you tell to your family about why your boyfriend can’t come to stay for the weekend. the frankly implausible – not to mention insulting – excuses he invents to explain who you are if he bumps into someone he knows when you’re out together. “Our affair started when I was a naive 24-year-old girl new to working life in Lagos. It finished when I was a 30-year-old. And instead of being left with a box full of romantic mementoes, all I took away was a deep distrust of men, which took me a decade to recover from. But who thinks such profound thoughts when they’ve just graduated from the university and are so eager to slam their stilettoed heel onto the first runny of their career ladder? I know I certainly didn’t. And far from having a reputation as philanderer, Sam treated me kindly, taking me under his wing. “After work while colleagues eagerly head to fun places, I always find an excuse to hang around the office, helping him out, chatting on our own together. A few times we’d had a couple of quickies in his office. I can’t really recall the moment I realised I had developed intense feelings for him. I was dazzled by his worldliness. He was ten years older and clearly a charmer. He knew what he was doing in life, where he was going and wasn’t immature like so many of my male friends. In the office, he kept our flirtations – because that’s what they were by now – in check. Yet it was at home I talked about him non-stop. My flatmate never guessed he was a married man.


“Did I think about his wife? Of course. But I was arguably too young and lacking in the wisdom and integrity that comes with putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.  I didn’t even ponder about the hurt it would cause her if she found out. My rationale was that if her husband was cheating on her, that had nothing to do with me. But as time went on, I knew what I was doing was wrong. During the third year of our relationship, I took stock. I was good at my job – I’d been promoted to assistant manager and thanks to my lover, I was damn good at my job. When it came to relationship however, I was stuck at the back of the class, utterly clueless how to move it forward.

“With his muscle, he got me a better job at a rival company. He was still very much married and working with woman just like myself – young, attractive and very ambitious. Was I jealous? Of course. And silly enough to ask him to make our relationship public. He made it crystal clear he didn’t want to leave his wife. It was then I decided to end the affair. He was hardly devastated – just terrified at what I might reveal. I left the relationship older, wiser but very much alone ….


“ The Bitter Truth – (Humour)

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered to her, his eyes full of tears. “My dearest, you have always been with me. All through the bad times – when we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling, as her heart began to fill with warmth.  “ I think you’ve bad luck.”

https://toykam.blogspot.com.ng/2018/02/nows-time-to-give-your-love-life-make.html https://toykam.blogspot.com.ng/2018/02/nows-time-to-give-your-love-life-make.html 

Don’t Panic; Life could leave you sexually frustrated at 40!

LIFE may begin at 40 but it’s also that time of life when you start taking stock of your existence. When I turned 40 years ago, it was one of the most memorable events of my life. It was also when the imaginary clock started ticking sub-Iiminally. Was the best really to be? I was in very stable relationship after my divorce, but could a better man be hovering in the horizon? Would my wildest dreams come true? Well, time has given answers, some of which I never even envisaged. So when Clara, one of my favourite cousins started making plans for her 40th, I warned her not to be very optimistic about the best that was yet to be. For a start, she was fat – a far cry from the svelte lady that walked down the isles 12 years ago. Her husband was bald with a contented pouch.


It was as if she was reading my mind when she bragged that, “On my 40th birthday, I intend to wow all my guests with my new figure”. What a dreamer! Just how much could you achieve in four months? She surprised us all by not only slimming down to a size 16, but giving herself the most flattering make-over. I was happy for her. Lately, she’d been critical of her marriage. Maybe this new, confident Clara would put a spark back into her marriage. Unfortunately, her husband seemed contented with his middle age spread and was quite oblivious of his wife’s new look

“Kola is not really interested in change,” Clara said of her husband when I ran into her at a family get-together. She continued, “In spite of the fact that my friends praised me for looking lovely and fantastic, Kola didn’t appreciate my effort. Whenever I asked him how I looked, he’d just shrug and mutter ‘lovely’. The thing is, a group of my friends are having a party for me next week. No husbands! It would be fun if you could attend.”

I promised I would like to, knowing I was only being polite. Clara’s friends are really upper crust and spend money with style. They make me a bit uncomfortable about their outlook on life. Was I getting old maybe? I knew I would have fun at her party but I didn’t want to rub shoulders with her care-free friends who are lots younger than I am. When we met a few weeks later, I’d scarcely finished apologising for not attending her party when she confessed she was able to test her pulling power. Here we go again, I groaned. Apparently, her husband’s nonchalant attitude towards her new look made her desperate to prove to herself there was still some pulling-power left in her.


“I had one of the outfits I’d reserved for my birthday party which I hadn’t the time or the nerve to wear. It was a skinny jeans matched with the most flattering top. Kola nearly had a fit when he saw me. He actually turned his eyes off the Supersports he was glued to. ‘You’re not going out dressed like that,’ he roared. I reminded him it was an all-female party and he grudgingly agreed for me to go, after the friend who came for me backed me up. “My friends were surprised to see the new me. When I noticed that Sarah, the hostess had ‘chartered’ some men, I discreetly removed my wedding ring. It was party time! I later ended up in the arms of Idris on the dance floor and I showed the moves I’d learnt from my teenage daughter. When the music turned to a smoothy one, I clung to him – I even let my hand touch his bum! He pulled me closer to him and I was thrilled to feel how much 1 was turning him on.

“After three more dances and some drinks, he breathed in my ear we should go out for some fresh air. Clinging drunkenly to him, I let him lead me over to his jeep. It wasn’t the most glamorous setting for betrayal, but I was far too eager to worry. Sex with Kola was virtually non-existent – just a quickie every other week. “We hurriedly clambered into the front seat he’d conveniently collapsed and I felt really wicked! Kola was a bore in bed, I reasoned with myself. I deserved a bit of excitement after all these years. Moments later, I was panting with lust. The seats of the jeep were rough against my bare bum and Idris wasn’t the gentlest of lovers. He pawed at my boobs like a big clumsy gorilla. But I didn’t care. This was purely about grabbing a bit of illicit fun! It was also trying to convince myself that life could really begin at 40!

“When it was over, we returned to the party. We had very little to say to each other after that. We’d both got what we wanted and there was nothing more to say. As my friend and I headed home much later, she sort of guessed what happened.

“Apparently Idris has this reputation of being a fast worker. She wanted to know how I felt about being unfaithful, and I told her I felt bad for not feeling guilty! I’d just cheated on my husband, had a seedy romp with a complete stranger at the back of his jeep and I felt great! “I only experienced a slight pang of guilt as I had a quick rinse in the bathroom at home and crept into bed beside Kola. He was fast asleep and didn’t even turn. The next day, he didn’t bother to ask if I’d had an enjoyable time at the party. I’ve made up my mind that the next time any of my friends ask me out, I’ll say yes. Afterall, life’s supposed to begin at 40 and a girl’s got to find her own excitement somehow before life passes her by!”

Read more at: https://toykam.blogspot.com.ng/2018/02/nows-time-to-give-your-love-life-make.html 

Which is important, love or money?

By Yetunde Arebi

Many months back, I published a story about a couple who claimed they were forced to part ways because of their financial problems. I asked if money was more important than love and reasoned that where true love exists, lack of money cannot be a problem so serious enough to cause a separation. I met this lady a few weeks ago and she took me back in time for a bit. Fascinated by her position, I asked her to put it into writing for publication. Though, I have had to work on it, the thrust of her position remains intact. What is yours? You too can still have your say on this issue. Can love truly thrive when there is no money? Are all relationships about money?

Dear Yetunde, 

Right from the beginning of any relationship, there is an objective and the bottom line is money. When a relationship exists between two individuals, it is for a purpose. The two are benefitting one thing or another from each other. It could be friendship, trust, companionship, mentorship, emotional support, material support, e.t.c. I believe there must be some mutual benefits involved on both sides, a need. One must be demanding something and the other providing. The roles might change with time between them along the line, but the interests remain. Where this does not exist, the relationship soon loses its flavour and both parties either close shop partially, temporarily or permanently. This has nothing to do with the gender giving or taking, it applies both ways. To the main issue therefore, I will insist that money is more important than love. Already, we all know that it is near impossible to be in love with someone throughout your lifetime. Love fades.



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It is commitments and companionship that will remain. Sometimes, it is duty and responsibility that will make couples stick together and not love. If love were to be so important, then all relationships will end in marriage, all marriages will be successful, everywhere will be peaceful and the world will just be a love garden. But it is not so. If there is love at all, it comes up after a period of courtship. When a young man and woman start dating, both have something at the back of their minds. The man’s idea is usually to have a “nice time” as quickly as possible and at the cheapest cost. I mean, he only wants to have sex with the girl and go his own way. But he knows that under a normal, morally acceptable and decent circumstance, the girl will not agree to his wishes if he were to just inform her without prior “toasting”. So he coins all sorts of words to woo her. For the girl under this normal circumstance too, at the back of her mind, all she wants is a fruitful relationship which will lead into marriage. She does not want to have a “nice time” and move on to the next man unlike the man. In most cases, the two do not make these known to each other. It is only after dating for a while that the issue of commitment begins to come into the relationship. Thus, you can see that even between two young people, there is a defined goal and subtle deceit on both sides. Each is into protecting his/her interest. It is a business of sort. When people marry, they go in with the hope that it will be successful, they will have children and money to care for them and themselves too. Nobody wants to be poor or wretched. Money has been identified as a major cause of divorce, anywhere in the world. Why do you think most women married to rich and successful men never leave even when they are treated badly in the union? The sugar daddy phenomenon, take it or leave it, is not about love but business. The roles and expectations are defined and are already engraved in the hearts of those involved right from the onset. The Oxford Dictionary gives the meaning of sugar daddy as a rich, usually elderly man who is generous to a younger woman in return for sexual favours or friendship. The old man or rather, most likely married man, usually doesn’t want to marry you, he is just having his fun, cheating on his unsuspecting wife. In some cases, he might be married but living single. He knows that going by his status, you are not likely to agree to go out with him, so he entices you with material things. The young, single girl on the other hand is ready to play ball as long as the gifts keep rolling in. When they stop, she finds her way to the next daddy. After all, what is a daddy for, if not to provide the necessary comforts to his child. Some ladies even go for “sugar grandaddies” as long as the benefits are right. In some cases, the old man might have even lost his libido. He may not be able to have sexual intercourse anymore and knows that it would be difficult for a younger woman to be with him. So, he needs to spend money to win her favours and company. Yetunde, have you stopped to think for a moment why young ladies who have sugar daddies cannot discuss the relationship with older members of their families or people they know will tell them the truth about their actions? I am talking about ideal homes and people oh. Why do both (the sugar daddy and his sugar girl) do it secretly? I believe it is because they know that what they are doing is not acceptable in the society. The people are just condoning it because we do not know how to deal with the situation. Both are running a risky business, thus, they strive to gain as much from each other while it lasts. It is only in unhealthy setups that you will see a decent family rejoicing that their young daughter has brought home somebody else’s husband. Nobody wants a home breaker for a daughter. A respectable wedding ceremony is every parent’s prayer for their children, especially their daughters. I know that many may not want to agree with me. You are free to have your own views. Those who support this act are just hypocrites. They know the truth but are shying away from it to save their faces and justify their actions. For those who will not want to agree with me, I know that their arguments will be hinged on love. But if I may ask, have you ever seen a young single girl dating a poor, wretched sugar daddy? NO! In fact, the idea of sugar daddy will be lost, because there will be nothing sugary about a man who can hardly afford to feed his family, not to mention leftovers to maintain a young girl with a desire or compulsion to be a big girl. Girls who settle for second, third, or whatever positions in a man’s harem, do it purely for the material gains. Thus, you see them fight each other’s eyes out when they feel that the goodies are not being evenly distributed.



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They chase each other with native intelligence and African assurance (juju) and create a frightful nuisance of “our” marriage institution. What many men don’t realise is that most of the ladies are just waiting for them to die so that they can get their share of their inheritance and continue with their lives, which may now include men of their age group. There are a set of women who also parade themselves as senior girls or single parents. What many of them are trying to sell to the society is that they have no need of men in their lives or are committed to their careers or businesses. Whatever the reasons and arguments are, I believe it is a charade to cover up for their defeat due to lack of foresight and vision in the transaction called relationship. If they have no need of men, how come they made kids at all. I’ve never heard of such being possible without a lover or male donor. No sane person under normal circumstances would get pregnant for a man and then tell him go to hell. The truth is that she probably got pregnant for the man without his consent. On the other hand, she may have wanted to use the pregnancy to get the man to marry her which failed because she too failed to reason that it is not all the time that things work out this way. The man in question may even be married already and cannot afford the agony of keeping two women under the same roof or in his life. Since she may not be able to continue living with her parents, she has to look for her own apartment where she can carry on her activities. Then, the false life of single parenthood and career woman begins. Mind you, she still keeps this relationship, using the child where and when applicable, as a hold on the man. In the case of a sugar daddy, he continues to support her and the child. In the single guy’s case, he takes care of the child. For the woman involved in both cases, she dates other men on the sides to fill in her lonely hours. Whenever the chance to drop the charade opens, she quickly grabs it. We have seen numerous examples of these even among the so called society women. The bottom line is always money. However, one thing you will find in common with most senior girls or single parents is that they have had strings of boyfriends in their lives.



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In the process of their escapades, they have either rejected their God appointed husbands by snubbing them because of their poorly status, or used them as boyfriends. When they now realise that they are getting too old to remain decently single, they want to hook some man desperately by force. Mind you, I am not referring to women who were once married then divorced. That is a different case, but then, it is also about money. A divorced woman’s need for money may even be greater than a single mother’s need because she might be stranded with more children and responsibilities than she can manage on her own. She would be stupid to start looking for a man who can’t fulfill those needs. Same goes for a widow. Those who do otherwise often end up worse than if they were single. So, this love without money idea is not realistic to me. In fact, why do you see some women jump from one husband to another, leaving a trail of children everywhere they stop? Lots of women nowadays are just willing to have children for the highest bidders. One child for one comfortable husband is an investment for the rainy days. Can you call this love? It is all about money. The only difference is that the money is relative and how much is required varies among individuals. Even men look for comfortable women these days. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to state my own position. I love you and what you are doing. God bless.

The pain of losing a loved one through child-birth

By: Bunmi Sofola

IT is impossible to go through the loss of someone you love and not be deeply affected by it. I think I knew when my girlfriend died that I would never be the same again. That my views, attitudes, outlook and philosophy would be different

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Ten years on, I’m a different person to the one I would have been had she not died. And while deep in your soul you miss the person everyday, the intense pain gets less with time— either that or you understand it more and live with it—but that itself is very comforting. You have to accept and assimilate the effect of your loss into your life. Only then can you start to deal with it….”

Anayo, now in his late thirties met Flora in the bank they both worked for and got closer when they were paired together to source for funds and make contacts with important clients when the need arose. “She was a very beautiful and intelligent woman,” confessed Anayo; “and the day she agreed for us to have a relationship was the happiest day of my life.

After a few years of the most wonderful period of my life, we agreed to get married and we started looking for the ideal flat for us. By the time we found one, she was already pregnant.



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“I was really ecstatic as we made plans for the wedding and the coming baby. With the flat and the coming baby eating the chunk of our savings we decided to put the wedding plans in the cooler until after the baby arrived. Flora became even more beautiful with her advancing pregnancy.

She’d always been very self-conscious about her bum-calling it hideous. But to me, her curves were perfect. I remember vividly the night we made love and I wrote: ‘lovely wobbly great bum’ across her bum with a felt pen thinking it would wash away with her bath. She said she was hot with embarrassment when she visited her doctor the next day, and had to strip-and he could read the graffiti! Memories like that will forever be with me.



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When she went into labour, I was with her when our beautiful daughter was born. I’d scarcely left the hospital when I got a call from the office that I should come quickly. Flora had started haemorrhaging and was very weak. Within hours, she was dead— just like that.

Just when you think you couldn’t possibly be happier, fate has a way of dealing you a painful blow in the solar plexus! I just couldn’t believe what was happening to me as I looked at the peaceful face of Flora—it was as if she was sleeping.

When the shock of her death started to wear off, the pain crashed in. My whole body ached with grief and I hurt physically. And the fear! I was petrified of trying to go on without her. I didn’t know if I could—I’d never felt so alone in my life. Going back to our flat was just excruciating—everything was still there just as it always was. Her towel was still in the bathroom, and all her hair things were still strewn all over the place. Only Flora wasn’t there. And never would be again.

As we planned for her funeral, I had to make arrangements for our daughter whom I’d named after her mother. My parents died a long time ago but Flora’s mother, as grief-stricken as she was, happily agreed to look after little Flora. I was really grateful to her for that. “In the end, I had to let our flat go—it was too painful to stay in a flat that held so much happy memories in the midst of my pain. I never got rid of the feeling that Flora would walk through the door. Now, 10 years on, I still think of her every day. What with little Flora looking like her mother as she grows older. I have since remarried with two little boys. My wife agreed to have two children as three are all we prayed for in our family. Little Flora lives with us now and I’m secretly glad that there is no other daughter in the family to share the affection I have for her. I love my wife of course, but the love I feel for her is nothing like the one I shared with Flora.”

 Read more at https://toykam.blogspot.com.ng/2018/02/nows-time-to-give-your-love-life-make.html

How grief does excessive damage to your body

By: Bunmi Sofola 

From the moment my mother passed away at 76, in her own bed, after succumbing to a cruel disease that caused her years of suffering, I had been poleaxed with what I later came to understand were the lesser- known physical symptoms of grief,” said Ajoke, a 52-year old proprietress of a thriving primary and secondary school. She continued: “Heart palpitations, a constant burn inside my head began to present itself in a very real physical way.

“As the weeks went by, I watched the changes in my hair with a sense of detachment as grief crashed in. Not only did the grey strands double, then triple in number, but the hair itself seemed to be thinning and my scalp was beginning to show through. I am going grey and bald, I thought,. with disinterest, as I delved into the stash of snacks in the house – an increased appetite and unwillingness to curb it’s another side-effect, it seemed, of losing someone you love.


“Normally, I am a person who likes to take care of myself. I am not overly groomed, but I have been careful to disguise the ageing process. Yet I had no desire to correct the physical changes that were occurring after my mother’s death. My grey, thinning hair seemed a perfect metaphor for my loss of youth. It told me what I already knew; I was no longer a girl or even young. Having nursed my mother through the worst of times, I had at once become a grown-up, a wise woman. And it was only months later that I started to notice physical improvements. But there was still my greying hair. So I threw myself at the capable hands of my hairdresser – a small but significant nod to the urge to look after myself physically.

While my internal scars remain, my hair is a war wound, and wounds sometimes need a helping hand to heal”. What does grief really do to your body? According to experts, damages include:

• Hair changes: Grief is a severe emotional stress and can cause hair to thin or grey. “Grief can trigger an excessive release of hormones known as prolactin and melatonin in your hair that will disturb the normal growth cycle and cause more shedding than usual,” explains Dr. Bessam Forjo, medical director of Trichlogists. ‘’The same hormones can also affect the melanin, the pigment in your hair, and cause it to lose pigment so that it turns grey.” He likens the process to the excessive shedding after birth and says: “Again, in that instance, hormones cause a disruption of the normal growth cycle and a woman may lose over 1,000 hairs in a day compared to the usual 100. The good news is that once the sharp edge of the grief passes, the growth cycle resumes and the hair will grow back, usually about six to eight months after you first noticed the changes, although the loss of pigment will be permanent.” 

• Weight Loss/Gain: How grief affects appetite depends on the individual. “People deal with periods of sadness in different ways,” says nutritionist Charlotte Stirling-Reed. “I have worked with clients who aren’t interested in food or eating at all and those who turn to food for comfort and even use it as a punishment or distraction. If you are programmed from a young age that food is a way to help you feel better then this may get slightly out of control and lead to overeating and weight gain.” The key, says Charlotte, is to try to concentrate on eating nutrient – rich foods in smaller amounts. Fluids are also essential. Aim for six to eight glasses a day to maintain hydration. Water, tea and milk all count towards your fluid intake. Can’t Sleep: Sleep disturbances are one of the most common physical manifestations of grief. “We hear about it a lot,” says Helen Butlin, manager of the Cruse Bereavement Care Helpline. “Some people have nightmares or wake up and can’t get back to sleep again, raking over memories or feeling panicky about life without the person they’ve lost.” Helen believes it’s important to catch sleep when you can and take naps in the day if possible. “It’s essential to have as good sleep hygiene as possible – so keeping your bedroom quiet and dark, having a bath beforehand if that relaxes you and not looking at any screens before bed. There’s no time limit to grief and sometimes you’ll feel OK for a bit and be able to sleep and then you’ll feel worse again and that is totally normal. Reduced 
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• Immunity: It is common for people who are grieving to find themselves more susceptible to illness and colds. “Grief can cause an excessive production of the stress hormones adrenaline and coortising – which will impact on your white cell count reducing its efficiency in the fight against infections,” says Dr. Imran Raft, Chair Research at the Royal College of Practitioners. Doctors will take your grief into account when assessing any illness but should not ignore the possibility that anything else might be wrong too. 

• Itchy Skin: It’s not unusual to have skin flare-ups after suffering a loss. “There is correlations and stress,” says dermatologist, Dr. John Ashworth. If you get psoriasis for the first time which presents as flaky crusty patches of skin or utricaria – a raised itchy rash – within a month, say, of a stressful event, then causation would seem reasonable. Grief can also make a current skin condition worse. If you already have eczema or are prone to cold sores, then it’s very possible you could see an exacerbation of these at a time when you’re stressed or lacking sleep,” concludes Dr.. Ashworth, who reiterates the importance of being vigilant with taking skin medication when you’re recently bereaved. Palpitations! These are common in periods of stress. ‘’The increase of adrenaline and cortisol in your body will cause your blood pressure to rise and may lead to chest pain or your heart pumping irregularly,” explains Dr. Rafi. Occasionally, a doctor will prescribe beta blockers – which decrease activity of the heart by locking the actions of hormones such as adrenaline- on a short-term basis to help reduce blood pressure and palpitations. This is normally done as a last resort, after encouraging patients to try relaxation techniques first. Helen Butlin from Cruse recommends the following ‘grounding technique’ for anxiety and heart palpitations. “When your heart’s pumping irregularly or you’re feeling panicky, put your feet on the floor and practise deep breathing in and out to help feel in the moment and to connect you with your physical surroundings. This helps to reduce anxiety and calm you down.” 

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• Fatigue: Sometimes, after the loss of a loved one, there can be an overwhelming lethargy. “When you feel a loss of the meaning of life, it can feel difficult to rustle up any motivation says Helen Butlin. “We encourage people to take small, positive steps. Go for a short walk, text someone, make phone call. Any little thing is a step towards feeling like you have a sense of purpose again. Be sure to look after yourself too. Eat well, get outside for some fresh air and even watch a TV show that you always enjoyed. Doing the things you always liked to do before may slowly reconnect you with joy, re-ignite your motivation and give you more energy.”

https://toykam.blogspot.com.ng/2018/02/nows-time-to-give-your-love-life-make.html 

Now’s time to give your love-life a make-over!

By Bunmi Sofola

Now the year has fully taken off, I thought readers should revamp their sex life (if indeed it needs revamping!) by following these experts’ top tips on how to keep the spark in your relationship.

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Lead separate lives: Try to think of your partner as independent from you— you’re not joined at the hips. Imagine them at work, playing a sport or doing something well without you. See them as the vital and interesting individual they are when they’re not with you. This is far sexier than the claustrophobic familiarity that can kill attraction when all you see is the socks left on the floor and your partner slumped on the sofa. Learn to read secret signals: If your relationship is full of hostility, you won’t have a good love life. Your anger is a barrier to enjoying sex. You have to resolve conflict, don’t bottle things up. Ask him: “Can we talk about it?” Solve the problem, then you’ll be able to enjoy each other. Everyone has their favourite things in the bedroom—whether it’s having their ears nibbled or their feet tickled. But they’re almost always too embarrassed to tell. So how do you discover your partner’s fantasies? Look at what they’re doing to you! For example, someone who loves having their ears nibbled with nibble on their partner’s ears. Pay attention to your man’s moves and you’ll get an idea of what he wants you to do to him. – Kate Taylor, relationship expert Don’t worry, be happy: These days, sex is just another lifestyle product and another way for people to make money by selling us things we don’t want or need. But you don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations. A good sex life is one that makes you feel happy and comfortable, whether you’re doing it ten times a week or ten times a year, it’s quality not quantity that counts. When you make love, focus on your partner’s pleasure, not on your own. The better you are as lovers, the more enjoyable they’ll get from sex and the more likely they open up and tell you what they require. Do they want more foreplay? Are you picking the wrong time for sex? Suggest that you bathe together or give them a massage first. Ask for feedback during sex and give them time to become aroused. – Tracy Cox, sex expert. Hit the spot: Strip naked together and take it in turns to run your hands slowly over your partner’s body, loving it for every wrinkle, fold and flaw. As you do so, tell them what makes them sexy. Remember a time when you had great sex and talk about it.

Guys, consider status in picking ladies!

By Yetunde Arebi

Hi,


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After last week’s publication, I received a call from Tolu, a dear friend. She said she had a similar gist for me. It was unfolding right inside her compound and involved her landlady’s 14 year old daughter and one of the male tenants. The guy in his early 30’s had impregnated the little primary school girl and absconded.

What was most baffling was that the guy is a medical doctor and had a girl friend that could have passed for a fiancée considering how often she visited the apartment. Love gone sour My friend said Ada should consider herself lucky that Sunny was nabbed in the act on time, before he could cause much damage to her family. Had Sunny impregnated Ndidi, Ada would not have been able to end the matter by simply sending the poor girl back to the village. They would have become sisters-in-law, married into the same family, she added jokingly. So, Tolu informed me that when Adedayo, the young girl in her compound turned up pregnant about two years ago, almost everyone in the compound refused to believe that Doc was responsible.

Everyone called the little girl a wayward liar, insisting that the guy was a good, upright young man and promising doctor. Many in fact, hinged their argument on the fact that as a doctor, he could not have indulged in such an act knowing the full implications of what could happen. And others easily vouched for his sophisticated preference of female company and could therefore not stoop as low as to sleep with a 14 year old primary school girl. At the end, they were all proved wrong, she said. Akproko will not kee me o. I quickly asked if she could arrange for me to talk to the girl and she said yes.

The girl comes to her flat often to relax with her daughter. She advised me to bring along something the girl could snack on and perhaps a little token as gift when leaving. I jumped at it. The girl I saw was a tiny, naive girl, now struggling with her identity .One minute a teenager and the next a caring mother. Adedayo couldn’t speak much English, so we spoke mainly in Yoruba. At the end of the day, I discovered that her case could have been handled better but for ignorance and lack of good counselling. I walked away with only one desire, if only I could set my eyes on doc, whose real name incidentally is also Dayo. All I wanted to know was why. Perhaps his answer could help me in figuring out why such men prey on young, hapless, naive girls, ruining their lives and destiny at the altar of a few moments of ecstasy. And while still pondering on this, I remembered those who cross all limits of decency and humanity, picking on infants, toddlers and young children. The devil must be really busy. When compared with Adedayo’s story, Ndidi must be very lucky to have been courted with biscuits, ice-cream, lipstick and nail polish. This poor girl got nothing but the emotional hype of sharing a name with her predator.

I was filled with pity as I watched her little girl crawling around happily inmy friend’s living room, oblivious of her circumstance and what the future holds for her and her mother. This is Adedayo’s story: “I didn’t have a boyfriend. He was a tenant in our house. I live with my grandmother. (Her father is dead and her mother, remarried. She lives with her paternal grandmother). I can’t really tell how old he is, but I think he is quite old. Maybe between 32 or more. I’m not sure. Everyone calls him doctor but I called him brother Dayo because he said we have the same name and God had already planned that we should be friends. He was very nice to me. I visited him sometimes when he is at home to watch some video films or TV and sometimes when he sends me on errands. He had a girlfriend, Aunty Shade who used to visit him. They both worked at the Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH). Brother Dayo is a doctor, while aunty Shade is a Nurse. I don’t know where aunty Shade is now. He was not my boyfriend. We only “did it” once, I didn’t know just doing it once could lead to pregnancy. It was my first time and I was a virgin. He was really surprised when he knew too. I guessed he must have thought that I’d done it before. It was painful but he told me not to worry that the pains will go. I don’t know how long we spent in his flat, but it wasn’t a long time. He gave me some medicine to use. I don’t know what they were meant for and didn’t ask because he is a doctor. We never did it again after that. I don’t know why. He was not usually around. He would come home late in the night when it would be impossible for me to go out. In the morning, I can’t see him because I will be preparing to go to school. Nobody guessed in our house that anything like that happened between us, so they were really shocked when I told them he was responsible. Brother Dayo packed out of our house a few months after the incident for an unknown destination. He found a new flat closer to his place of work, he told me. But he did not tell me the place. In fact, there was more or less nothing left between us. Over the months, I didn’t feel anything. I knew my period had stopped coming, but I didn’t link it with pregnancy. I thought there must be some other reasons responsible for it. I was however having stomach pains and movements in my body. I did not change much. I am a small person by physique and I am told that the first pregnancy is not always so conspicuous in the early stages. It was about seven months before my grandmother knew. It was my older sister who told her that she suspected something was wrong with me. Then, that night, I think they called a meeting. My aunty and her daughter were summoned by my grandmother, along with my older sister, and I was interrogated. After some time, I told them the truth. They were surprised. They traced him to somewhere in Idi- Araba area. That was when my problems began. Initially, brother Dayo told them that he was not responsible. He denied having anything to do with me. He kept on shouting at us and practically walked us out. My sister suggested we call the police but my aunt and her daughter refused. They said it would only cause more trouble because his older sister was a family friend of theirs. He later confessed to his older sister that he did it to me once but said he was sure that he was not the owner of the pregnancy as he was not the only one. My family was very annoyed. After that, they started maltreating me. My aunty, whenever she came around would rain abuses on me about how I have disgraced them and worse still, how my baby will not have a father. I had to stop school immediately and was taken to live with a doctor friend of my aunty for the rest of the duration of the pregnancy. Their fear was that I was too tiny to carry a pregnancy and would probably not be able to have the baby on my own. At the end, they had to perform a Caesarean Section on me because they said I was not strong enough to have the baby on my own and that my birth canal was too small. After the child was born, things eased up a bit because there were no more doubts about the paternity of the child. It was a girl, but it looked so much like brother Dayo. When his mother and older sister came to see us at the hospital, they all confirmed that the baby was his. They wanted to take the baby from me after we left the hospital, but my family refused. They insisted that he should marry me which he also refused. Hospital expenses were borne by both families, although the bulk came from our side. Even up till today, my family bears most of the finances. Sometimes, I feel so sad that I can’t do anything for my baby by myself. If she is ill, I have to wait for my sister, or cousins who live nearby to buy something for her. Aunty (my friend) also buy things for her. Brother Dayo has now travelled to the USA. I was not informed when he was going. The family used to come once in a while to see us, but the tension is too much. So, they hardly ever come around any more these days. I would have preferred that they take the baby away, but my grandmother doesn’t want to hear anything like that”. I often wonder how some people manage to close their eyes and sleep at night. Brother Dayo is somewhere now, enjoying himself in other relationships. Perhaps married and telling some awful lies to some woman out there about himself. He must be thinking of going further with his studies. Hoping to fall in love, marry and raise good children he would feel proud to call his own. Yet, he has taken advantage of a poor, young girl and changed the course of her destiny for his selfish uncontrollable libido. It is most unlikely he will ever come back for either mother or child. But I am resolved to help her track him down. And soon too. Guys, please pick on ladies your own status.

When first wife decides she’s had enough!

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By Bunmi Sofola When Anuolu decided she’d had enough of a marriage that lasted all of 26 years, her decision wasn’t triggered by rows or infidelity—though the couple had a share of that. Instead, it was the corrosive resentment that ate away at her feelings for her husband as she re-invented herself. When she got married, she was a secondary school teacher and her husband, a senior lecturer at the university. But as her self-confidence grew, she took on fresh challenges. As she grew out of her old subservient role, her husband’s resentment festered.



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When I went back to the university for a masters’ degree in human resources, my husband felt it was a waste of time and money,” said Anuolu now in her early 50s. “He also seemed threatened when I got a good job in human resources and met new people. He tried to undermine my confidence, my opinion seemed irrelevant to him. He didn’t listen to whatever I had to say. We began leading parallel lives as he spent more and more time with one of his old students who had two kids by him. “In the meantime, my three children were doing well in school and the company I worked with promoted me to head of human resources. I had the option of taking the furnished apartment that went with the job, or settle for a generous rent allowance. When out of curiosity, I went to look at the apartment, I fell in love with it. It was a very compact three bedroom flat in a block of flats owned by the company. It was now or never. Though I liked my husband, I was no longer in love with him,. I remembered all the meals I had to pack away because he’d eaten at his second home. Whenever I told him I was unhappy, he said I was being ridiculous, what else did I want? The kids went to good schools and in spite of his other ‘wife’ he seldom slept away from home and I had a good home most women would give their right arm to have. “I knew my husband would never have initiated a separation as our lives together suited him to the ground. But, like do many professional women today, I wanted more out of a relationship than boring routine. It was as if all the fun had seeped out of my marriage. As I took up the offer of free accommodation, I thought of a way of breaking the news to him. But I told the kids first. My last daughter was in the university and her two brothers had already left the house to do their own thing. When I eventually told my husband, he thought I was out of my mind. What sane seemingly happily married woman leaves a stable home to live the life of a single woman? “He put his foot down. This nonsense should stop or I forget I was ever married. But I was determined to spread my wings.

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It took me a while to get the flat to the standard I wanted before I moved in. When my husband sort the support of the children, they told him they knew what was going on. I told him he didn’t have to shuttle between two homes, now he could move his ‘wife’ in to take over where I left off…. “ According to relationship expert, Francine Kaye, a lot of men these days reach retirement age and find themselves propelled unwillingly into separation because they have failed to heed the warning signals as their once deferential, stay-at-home wives seek new autonomy and fulfilment. “These men have bought one kind of wife off the shelf—the school teacher and home-maker—and the deal was that she wasn’t supposed to change,” she says. “But people do change and couples are not recognising the signs and implications until it’s too late. “The husband has often been working really hard to provide for his family and he feels unappreciated when he reaches the end of his career to discover his wife has found a fresh sense of fulfilment and an identity separate from her old one as a wife and mum. There is a phrase for it: ‘Women who walk and men who don’t see it coming.” Even wives who don’t have challenging jobs to boast of, stick with their married children and happily look after their grandchildren. Anuolu said it took all her will-power to tell her husband she was moving out. “He is basically a good man,” she said. “There was nothing inherently wrong with him. We had just reached the point where we were merely co-existing. I probably wouldn’t have left if I didn’t have a better alternative. Now, I have a fulfilling job, a busy social life and the freedom to meet friends and go out at will—in short I’m not lonely and I’m not looking for a relationship. For now, I’m happy being me … “

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Expecting secret lover’s baby.

Dear Bunmi,

I was almost 16 when I met my boyfriend. He was 23 and a fresh graduate. My parents absolutely refused I should have anything to do with him because of the age gap and told me to finish it.

To keep them happy, I told them it was over but I carried on seeing my boyfriend in secret.

That was three years ago. I am currently doing an advanced catering course and my boyfriend has a good job.

I’ve just found out I’m expecting a baby and my boyfriend is happy about this development.

He is a good man who loves me and treats me well.

How do I now tell my parents about my pregnancy and the fact that I lied to them?

Anjola, by e-mail.

Dear Anjola, 

If you love your boyfriend and know he’s the one for you, then you have nothing to worry about. You need to be brave and come clean to your parents.

At 19 they might think you’re too young to cope with problems of raising a child and probably getting married. But you can’t wish your pregnancy away and you need all the support you can get.

When your baby’s born, I’m sure your parents will come round – just be strong and have faith in your love for one another. 

He makes me pay for everything.

He makes me pay for everything

DearBunmi,

Although my boyfriend has his own flat, he spends all his free time in mine. Only he scarcely pays for anything he eats or drinks.

This makes me angry knowing how expensive food and utilities are.

Whenever I ask him to chip in more, he agrees, then turns up with next to nothing in his wallet. As things are now, it is a struggle for me to pay for everything.

Tonia, by e-mail.

Dear Tonia,

What you have on your hands is not just a money problem, it’s a loving problem.

Your boyfriend, apart from being a leech, is lacking in respect, affection and care.

He should want to contribute, make your life easier and want an equal relationship where you both at least, pay your way. If you’re to pay for things both of you enjoy, then it is obvious he’s in the relationship for all he can get.

My advice? Don’t waste time trying to find the money to support this free-wheeler. And don’t waste your breath trying to convince him to pay his way.

Show him the door and solve all your problems at once!.

Would you swap phones with your partner/spouse for one day?

Everyone should trust their significant other and not keep anything from them, right? But would you trust them with your phone, since it is widely believed that the mobile phone is a private and personal gadget and not meant for another person. As usual, we spoke to some celebrities and here are their responses;

Yes, I can for years if need be -Nkechi Emmanuel, Actress

Yes I would. The nature of our jobs have bound us together so much that most of my phone contacts are 90% same with his and the fact that we hide nothing from each other makes it easier because we don’t have any secret. My husband knows my phone password and I know his as well, so we can even travel differently with each other phones for years if we want and if need be. I’ll ask him to help me call anyone from my phone and deliver a message to the person on my behalf and it’s done, but I can’t let the love of my life be away from me for years NEVER! Yes, he’s supposed to be my best friend

– Chesan Nze,

 Actress Yes I will. My partner is supposed to be my best friend. I believe a relationship needs sincerity and trust to grow. If my partner doesn’t trust me and he reads messages from strangers and ‘toasters’ on my phone we would have issues, which will lead to the end of the relationship. But if we trust each other, I wouldn’t have issues swapping phones any day, any time.

 No, that’s impossible – Ajoke Ajadi, Actress Oh no, impossible, because it might cause certain issues to come up in the relationship. These issues may ruin the relationship or cause unnecessary disagreements between us.

What’s there to hide? – Deji Bakare, Model Yes I would swap phones with my partner/spouse for a day or more. What’s there to hide and if I have to hide anything I will keep them in my email or phone application. I will either take out my SIM card or else she’ll have to be my PA for one day. I can only if… –

Lizzy Oraya, Actress I can only swap phone with my husband and not a boyfriend, because being a married woman means I only belong to one man so I have nothing to hide, but I won’t do that with a boyfriend because the truth of the matter is I can’t put my eggs in one basket. Just in case one misbehaves, I use the other one to console myself. In order to keep him from knowing about my other boyfriend, and also, so I don’t know about his other girlfriends, it’s better we don’t swap phones.

I would rather go and kill a lion – Queeneth Agbor, Actress I would rather go and kill a lion. Exchange of phones between partners is the beginning of World War X. Personally, I’m not scared of exchanging phones with him, but how about the unending toasters that wouldn’t take no for an answer, who keep bothering you?

Yes, he has given me everything – Sapphire Ogodo, Actress Why won’t I? I’m very open when it comes to my relationship with hubby. What’s there to hide from a man who has given me everything? I can’t possibly ask for more.

We have free access to each other’s phones – Ijeoma Grace Agu, Actress Yes, I can . What’s there to hide? We both have free have access to each other’s phones. I don’t mind he can go through my messages, chats or taking my calls.

What About You?
Leave your answer in the comment below,  and reasons why you can and cannot.

I Need To Let Him Know I Fancy Him!.

Dear Bunmi,

I’m 24 years old and up until about a year ago, I had strong views about getting married. I promised myself I wouldn’t settle down until I turn at least 28.

But now, my attitudes have changed dramatically and I think I have met the perfect man for me.

We have been very good friends for about three years and we live next door to each other. He is in his late 20’s and he is good looking, caring and very considerate – in fact he’s what you’ll call a perfect gentleman. Keeping my hands off him is agonising. I get jealous if he talks about other women and miss him terribly when he goes away. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and I just can’t stop thinking about him. I’m afraid that if I tell him how I feel, it will jeopardise our close friendship. On the other hand, if I don’t say anything, how will I ever know if he feels any affection for me? Should I open up or keep these feelings to myself?

Ufuoma, by e-mail.

Dear Ufuoma. 

You really don’t have to throw this man to the ground and swear your undying love for him, you know.

Feelings can be displayed without great declaration. Add a new element to the friendship you already have – buy him a lovely decoration for his room for instance, or a book on one of his interests, or offer him a small personal courtesy that will make him look at you in a slightly different way.

Ask his advice about one of your ‘problems’ or about a new hairstyle. Ask him if he’d like to go to a movie, or somewhere off your usual beaten path. Make a gesture that will place the ball in his court and give him a chance to respond in his own way. Remember, most people do not lead their lives by taking big leaps, but simply by going gently with the flow. 

How to control high blood pressure with coconut water

It has been revealed that moderate consumption of coconut water can lower the risk of high blood pressure, reduce cholesterol level and weight control. Dr. Ochuko Erikainure, a nutritionist and biochemist, said this in an interview with newsmen in Lagos on Thursday.

He said coconut water was rich in high electrolyte contents particularly, potassium, which reduces the risk of high blood pressure.

“Studies have shown that coconut water has been used as a refreshing natural beverage.

“It is because coconut water is naturally enriched with antioxidants, amino acids, enzymes, B vitamins, vitamin C and minerals such as iron, calcium, potassium, magnesium, manganese and zinc.

“Coconut water can also be used for re-hydrating agent because it is much better than commercial sport drinks.

“Vitamin C in coconut water also plays an influential role which helps to reduce cholesterol level and weight control.

“Vitamin C, selenium, maganese and zinc make coconut water a potent antioxidant, thus protecting the cells against oxidative stress.

“Cytokines in coconut water protects against aging effects in cells and tissues which help to reduce the risk of developing degenerative and age-related diseases,” he said.
According to Wikipaedia, Cytokines are a broad and loose category of small proteins (~5–20 kDa) that are important in cell signaling. Their release has an effect on the behavior of cells around them. Erikainure, however, cautioned that over consumption of coconut water could cause hyperkalemia. “Hyperkalemia is an overabundance of potassium in the blood which can induce acute kidney failure, heart arrhythmia and coma.

“It is advised to consume moderately because excess consumption has also been shown to have laxative effect in the body,’’ he said.

Davido releases locations, dates for `30bn Africa tour’

David Adeleke a.k.a Davido, has released dates for his latest “30 billion Africa tour, ” after expressing excitement on his social media platform successes recorded from his two hit singles, “If” and Fall” The two songs, ‘If’ and ‘Fall’ have gone diamond and platinum respectively.

Davido who just completed a “UK tour” which included performances in Birmingham, Manchester and London said the tour will include to five different countries. The current Best African Act (MOBO) revealed the different countries in a picture to his fans on Twitter and Instagram. He wrote in a caption, “30 billion Africa tour starts next month!! What countries will you be attending” #30BillionAfricantour!! We not stopping. New music comes too”. 30 billion Africa tour will kick off on March, 3rd, 2018 in Kigali, Rwanda. The music star will showcase his talent to Central Africa when he will be performing in Kinshasa and Brazzaville respectively. West African cities, Niamey and Dakar will also have the opportunity to see the music star perform some of his hottest hits.

BB Naija: Housemates to become responsible adults

BB Naija: Housemates to become responsible adults

…as Big Brother gave them baby dolls to take care of By Iyabo Aina

Day 23 at the BB Naija house was all about taking responsibility as the housemates were given baby dolls to take care of.

Firstly, Big Brother tells the housemates that there would be a one week ban of cigarettes, alcohol to teach the housemates what it truly means to take responsibility for their actions. This did not go down well with the housemates but they had to grudgingly accept to avoid repercussions. Later in the day, Big Brother told the housemates to gather at the lounge and when they did, many were up for a big surprise as their envelopes contained the odd congratulatory message “You Have A Baby”. Anto, Ahneeka and Alex were asked to step forward and acknowledge the gift of a child, and a moment later, three Ninjas emerged out of the elevator with three tiny baby cots, inside of which were three baby dolls. Big Brother said that the baby dolls needed to be bathed, soothed, sung lullabies to and cared for like human babies. The housemates looked like they had lost their bearings, and when the first baby cries filled the air, the entire room burst into a hearty laugh at the realisation of Big Brother’s prank. They begrudgingly got on with the task for no one is willing to cross Big Brother anymore as the consequences are unbearable.

How to Become More Intelligent Than You Are Now

How to Become More Intelligent Than You Are Now

Do you ever feel less intelligent around other people? Are you embarrassed when you don’t know the answer to a question? Everybody has those times when they just feel like they don’t know anything. Of course, you can’t know everything, but no matter how smart you are, you can start becoming more intelligent today by actively focusing on enhancing the skills that aid intelligence.

Part One of Four:

Improving Your Mind's AbilitiesEdit
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Improve your memory. Much of what is considered intelligence is simply the ability to remember things well. Observing something or paying attention is not enough. The key is to retain that information. Associate things you want to memorize with things you already remember. Associating new information, observation or data with old memories would make it easier to memorize in comparison to creating new memories. Your technique of connecting and associating memories would be unique. Practice, practice and soon you will be developing new techniques to learn and retain new information faster. Only the first attempt is hardest.

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Be more curious. How do some people get to know so much? Good memory skills are only part of the answer: you also have to be curious. If you’re satisfied going through life with little or no understanding of things you’re unfamiliar with, you won’t learn much. Make a conscious effort to be more curious by reminding yourself that developing your curiosity will broaden your horizons and help to make you more intelligent.

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Exercise your mind in different ways. Most of us are good at the things we excel in naturally or the activities we do everyday. Challenge yourself to learn a new skill or to think in a different way, however, and you’ll actually become more intelligent. Choose something you’d like to learn to do (play the accordion, for example) or a subject you don’t do well in (maybe math) and focus on that thing. Initially, you may be uncomfortable and feel even less intelligent than you did before, but if you study or practice diligently, you’ll become more confident, and you’ll make new connections in your mind.

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Meditate. If you could just regularly practice meditation then it alone will improve all other aspects and habits, mentioned in this or any other self improvement article, naturally. It is scientifically proven that meditation not only improves your concentration but also makes you feel happier and joyful [1] . For more benefits of meditation read the referenced article.
Here's a simple but profound meditative practice: Just be aware of your breath. Like inhaling and exhaling cycles and gap between them, belly movement etc. Read How to Meditate for more depth.

Part Two of Four:

Smarter LearningEdit
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Study more effectively. If you find yourself at a loss when your teacher, lecturer or tutor puts you on the spot, or if you perform poorly on exams, you may not be studying enough. Even if you study a lot, improving the way in which you approach the studying process can make a big difference. Some help can be found in these articles:
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Do your homework if you're in school and your post-lecture revision at college. The homework is there for practice, the revision is to help you to digest what you've just learned. When you do it, you'll become more confident in that subject.
Mostly, homework time is not the same as study time, so you can't count homework as studying. Studying involves deeper reflection and breakthrough understandings that stick in your memory.
Avoid the temptation to procrastinate, finish your homework at the last minute, or copy someone's paper to hand in. That isn't learning––it's making do and forgetting straight afterward; this is hardly useful when you're out in the work world and need to remember and use your knowledge.
Don't learn simply to learn, it will not work. Find a way to be interested in it, make it fun and you will learn faster, and remember more.
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Read a lot. Just about everything that humans know can be found in print, whether in books and magazines or on the internet. Become a voracious reader, and you’ll expose yourself to more ideas and information. If you’re a slow reader, consider learning speed reading. Consider jotting down notes, and perhaps looking up a word or two in the dictionary .
If you are a slow reader, you may simply need to accept this rather than trying to read faster and lose your sense of comprehension. Set aside uninterrupted time for reading, and ask that nobody disturb you. Choose quality of reading over quantity and set yourself both mini-goals and mini-rewards for completing blocks of reading.
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Visit the library frequently and pick up anything which looks interesting to you. The subject matter is not quite as important as is the act of reading. Always have something good to read at hand.

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Research. Curiosity without initiative is like having a car that’s out of gas—it won’t take you anywhere. Fortunately, when it comes to knowledge you’re never far from success. If you read a word that you don’t know, look it up in the dictionary. If you wonder how airplanes fly, read a book about it. If you want to know more about politics, pick up a newspaper. Go online and explore the world in depth.

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Learn how to look things up. If you know how to use references, from an internet search engine to an encyclopedia, you’ll be able to find the information you want more quickly and effectively. Effective researching skills will nourish your curiosity because you’ll become more confident in your ability to access knowledge. If your research skills leave something to be desired, take a class or workshop on how to research, ask a librarian or teacher, or simply practice researching. Or, just press the "help" tabs on the internet and computer programs and read.

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Figure things out on your own. There’s a lot more to intelligence than “book smarts". We can all learn to perform everyday tasks at work, home, and school better and more intelligently. If you don’t know how to do something, resist the urge to ask somebody else to do it for you or show you how. In most cases, you’ll be able to figure it out on your own, either by trial-and-error or by researching. While it usually takes longer to figure something out than it does to ask about it, you’ll learn more about the overall process, and you’ll remember it better. Most importantly, you’ll exercise your problem-solving skills instead of your “do as you’re told” skills.

Part Three of Four:

Linking with Others to Improve Your IntelligenceEdit
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Ask for help. It’s great to figure things out on your own, but sometimes you don’t have enough time to do so, despite your best efforts. Don’t give up; ask somebody to show you how. Make sure to pay close attention and ask any questions that you have, so that you’ll never have to ask the same thing again.
Most people love to be asked questions about something they're really good at. It's a way of showing that you value their opinion and knowledge and it gives them an opportunity to pass on some of that knowledge. If someone reacts badly to a request for help, it can often mean that they don't feel sure about their own knowledge or they're pressured for time; in both cases, this is not a reflection on you and you can either ask another time or realize that the person feels a little insecure and try to reassure this person that you value his or her advice a great deal.
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Teach others. In order to teach something to somebody else, you’ve got to know it pretty well. When you try to explain an idea or skill to somebody else, you’ll not only remember it better yourself, you’ll also find that the other person’s questions will help you find out how well you really know what you’re talking about. Don't let not knowing a topic inside out hold you back from teaching though; you will learn as you go and there is no shame in saying, "Wow, I don't know the answer to that, let's both go and find out!" Putting aside defensiveness is a sign of maturity and maturity adds to your emotional intelligence.
Volunteer to pass on what you know. Knowledge is something to be shared, to build a better world. Don't hide your star under a rock; share your experiences, skills, talents and knowledge with other people so that they too can grow in confidence and ability.

Part Four of Four:

Fun Ways to Increase IntelligenceEdit
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Learn a new word each day. Go through the dictionary and find a word that you don't know yet, then practice using it throughout the day. When you come across a new word when doing #3, look it up.

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Find a hobby that interests you. Many people increase their intelligence by attempting to get better at something that they're already good at. For example, not only does it make a computer programmer look smarter if they know C++, but it can help you with your job.

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Surround yourself with intelligent people. Being around people that are smart in their own fields and knowledge can help you become more knowledgeable. Don't feel inferior––feel blessed that you have amazing resources to draw upon!

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Read the news. Keeping up with current events will let you know what's going on in the world. You can catch up on what the world is doing while exercising (step 3).

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Practice your writing skills. Writing allows you to input your knowledge into creativity. Whether you write short, fantasy stories or reports on WWII, it's always great to practice your writing skills. Try exercising your brain and writing a little something every day, whether it be describing your emotions or writing descriptive paragraphs about the weather. Sometimes, just brainstorming can help you create fresh, new ideas.

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Learn a new language. Learning new languages is a great way to get smarter. Children who learn two languages or more have more grey matter than those who don't, and their brains make more neural connections. And grey matter is responsible for processing information, including memory, speech and sensory perception. Knowing another language also increases your empathy for others, which is an important part of improving your emotional intelligence.

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Spend time apart from others and from distractions. Solitude is a time for reflection, deep inner thinking and rest. It is in solitude that you digest all that you have learned from your day or week, and can sort through the issues that are important to you. Solitude helps to keep you calm, it reduces stress and it's a nice way to get to know yourself better. Add a little quiet time away from everything else to your day, every day.

Get enough sleep. Some researchers say, while you sleep, your brain makes new connections. For example if you don't understand how to perform a math equation completely and you 'sleep on it', there is a chance that your brain will have figured it out while you slept.

Eat breakfast when you're young. It's a very important meal as it provides the brain fuel needed to kick your thinking cogs into gear. As you age, the amount and timing of breakfast may vary but still be sure to have something to start your day with some energy input.

Be active. Movement is a key part of being a human being. Sitting on your backside all day isn't conducive to leading a fully engaged human experience. Get out and about several times a day, and fit the computer work and play around the rest of your life, not the other way around. A healthy body results in a healthy mind.

Some psychologists now say there are multiple types of intelligence, such as interpersonal intelligence (how to interact and get along with people) and bodily intelligence (coordination, athleticism). Nurture these aspects of yourself; even if they don’t make you “smarter" in the traditional sense of IQ, they can help you lead a happier, more well-rounded life.

Classical music can be helpful for embedding new knowledge and helping you to study.

Use your initiative. Read and study beyond what is expected, learn laterally and think broadly. Look for gaps and things that could be done better and work out ways for fixing, changing, overriding the status quo. From entrepreneurs and inventors to parenting and workplace relations, using your initiative is a way of breaking free from ruts, solving problems and making your world a better place to be in.

TV can be useful for learning provided you choose wisely and keep the watching to a minimum. Select educational programs, documentaries and well informed news pieces. Keep all TV viewing to only a few hours weekly. Don't fall into the habit of watching because you're tired; that's when you need to sleep or do something more energized.

Some subjects or fields are considered "smarter" than others. This is unfortunate because all fields of knowledge are vital and it is in the bringing together of many different perspectives that the wicked problems (those really big problems that seem unsolvable, like climate change or global recessions), that humankind comes up with amazing solutions. Find your interest and niche and pursue it to its zenith; it is by knowing and doing something really well that you can contribute your part to making this world a much better place.

Learning new things is scary but learn to embrace the initial fear and do it anyway. Learning new things boosts intelligence and keeps you alert, invigorated and curious. Persevere to push past the initial reluctance, and then you'll wonder why you didn't start the new thing sooner!

Consider tutoring. Learning one-to-one can really boost your knowledge and skills in ways you can't get from simply reading or watching videos.

Don't ever dwell on negative feelings of being mentally inferior to others. Let that emotion encourage you to reach and even surpass your full potential. Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning it's caused by another emotion. So find that deep emotion down in you and use it as fuel for your motivation. It's not always easy to sort out emotions but give it your best to understand the viewpoint and position of others so you can develop and open your mind to the people and opportunities around you.

Read a lot! Don't just read any one particular genre (like science fiction) but read biographies, history or science books, and even historical fiction. If you can, bring a pen and notebook so you can take notes.

Don't look at what someone else has, but rather what you have and can offer. If you pay attention of how "smart" someone else is, this will limit the opportunity for you to increase your intelligence.

Don't be disappointed for too long when you fail at any attempt; pat yourself on the back for even trying and then give it another go. Keep going until you succeed.

Prolonged use or abuse of alcohol or illicit drugs can damage brain cells; in turn, this can make you less able to focus and can decrease your ability to think clearly, concentrate and contribute to society in a valuable way.

Do not put your ego first when trying be smarter. Arrogance or acting superior to others is a manifestation of feeling resentful and angry that things aren't the way you wish they were. Express your anger in more constructive ways––try to turn the negative energy into a positive one to achieve what you want to do.

10 WAYS TO MAKE MONEY ONLINE WITH INTEGRITY

How to make money online.

When I read about making money on most sites it always seems to be a little cheesy or some type of link hacking system that is to good to be true.

There are, however, some great individuals who do it right. In the video below I’ll mention who some of them are and give you my top 10 ways to make money online in an authentic, inspiring, educating and entertaining way.

A way that leaves you full not by the amount of money in your bank account (because it can be A LOT if you do it right) but by the emails you receive by customers on how you changed their life, or when you meet an online client in person with tears rolling down their face expressing how their dreams have been achieved because of YOU!

It’s a powerful feeling, and I want you to experience that.

But it takes knowing how to do it the right way that both serves your vision and supports others.

Here are my top 10 ways to make money online with integrity:

 

1. Teaching and Training

This is my number one way, and I been doing this for the last 5 years. This is something that almost every major University has been doing (taking their classes online) due to the huge success they saw from University of Phoenix which set the tone for online education. It’s easier now more than ever for companies and entrepreneurs to launch online schools, and my good friend Marie Forleo is a prime example with her mega success, B-School.

2. Offering a Service

Providing a service may be the easiest way to start is you don’t need any investment to get this going. My podcast editor Ian Robinson is helping podcast creators edit their shows to increase production value. There are many different ways to provide a service and it’s just about realizing where your talent lies and what solution you can provide for others.

3. Creating and Selling Products

If you have an expertise in ANYTHING then you can package it into a book, course, software, audio program, DVD, and so on. The best way to get the word out and sell these products is with webinars.

4. Membership Sites and Continuity Programs

Another champion that I have a lot of respect for in this arena is Ramit Sethi. He has an amazing continuity program (Ramit’s Brain Trust) and each month provides useful and specific information for his passionate community. The community thrives off of his wise direction and pay him monthly to continue getting access to the community and resources. The beauty of this model is you sell something once and get paid each month for it.

5. Affiliate Marketing

Nick Reese has done an incredible job of building websites, developing outstanding searchable content and selling other peoples products on his sites. He gets a commission on every sale or lead he sends to the company. So he never had to create his own product in order to build his business (he has since branched out into other areas that you can check out on his new site). Pat Flynn also does an amazing job at this and he actually shows how much he generates on a monthly basis from his affiliates here.

6. Building a Site and Selling Ads

Derek Halpern is a BEAST at this. The legend behind SocialTriggers started a celebrity gossip site years ago and had millions of visitors every month that he leveraged to sell advertising on the site. Another example is Tina Su of ThinkSimpleNow.com who does an amazing job with this while sharing inspiring personal development content.

7. Selling Sponsorships for Branded Content

John Lee Dumas, generates over $50K monthly selling sponsorships on his podcast and writes about how he does this here. This can be done via podcast, developing a niched website or even a video show. Create branded content around your passion and find sponsors that will be attracted to your audience.

8. Events

Creating and promoting events, either online or offline can be very profitable as well. Michael Stelzner does both online summits and in person events with thousands of attendees, all while starting out from a simple blog a few years ago.

9. Masterminds and Coaching

An inspiring change maker part of the Integrity Podcast Network is Jonathan Fields. He runs the Good Life Project and has ongoing coaching and retreats in exotic locations all year long that sells for a high ticket price. This can be done either online or offline, as Jonathan has mastered the art of doing both.

10. Getting Creative

Jason Sadler (now known as Jason SurfrApp) is one creative entrepreneur. He used his online platform to make money wearing companies shirts with Iwearyourshirt.com. Now he sells his last name for nearly $50,000 a year, sells sponsors pages in his new book, and continues to push the envelop with what you can earn by being creative